Mastering Tough Conversations: Giving and Receiving feedback

Introduction

Feedback is one of the most powerful tools in an athlete's development, yet it can be one of the hardest to give and receive. For coaches, delivering honest feedback without discouraging players is a delicate balance. For athletes, learning how to accept and seek feedback constructively is key to growth. This post explores how coaches can be both honest and kind, and how players can ask the right questions to get the most helpful answers. As I would tell my players', giving and receiving feedback does not have to be a hard conversation. It does not have to be viewed as conflict. The more we have those conversations, the less scary they can become. But that effort takes two sides: the player and the coach, or a teammate and another teammate. If both sides are open to speaking, listening, learning, and improving together, it can make feedback not only less hard, but also really powerful. If done correctly, everyone can walk away from a "tough" conversation feeling a heightened sense of trust, accountability, and readiness to improve.

For Coaches, Captains, and Teammates: Giving Honest but Constructive Feedback

1. Focus on Growth, Not Just Mistakes

It’s easy to point out errors, but feedback should also include ways to improve given with language that players can understand. Instead of saying, "You keep getting beat 1v1" try specific, easily understood instructions such as, "You are the best version of yourself defensively, when you arrive on time to your opponent and you are touch tight before the ball arrives. This is a part of your game that you can improve, so let's start with concentrating on your positioning and that begins with being tuned in mentally and reading the game proactively."

2. Be Direct but Supportive

• Avoid sugarcoating but also avoid being too harsh. There is a happy medium. There will be games where you will need to be more animated and blunt in your feedback. This shouldn't be an approach that is used frequently, because then it will lose its effectiveness and credibility. Save the moments you really have to get after your group for the games when effort or communication is an issue, not technique. In other words, attributes that players should have full control over, and not just a poor touch.

• Use a compliment-critique approach mixed with teaching: "Your first touch has improved, but you’re hesitating too long before making a decision. Scan the field before you receive the ball, so that you know potential options for that next pass ahead of time. This will help you play quicker and make better decisions"

  
  

3. Make Feedback Specific and Actionable

Vague and blanket feedback like "You need to be better" isn’t helpful. Instead, let players know what to focus on for growth in the immediate future. Give them small, manageable adjustments that they can make TODAY, in order to promote confidence and take steps forward.

4. Know Your Players and Adjust Your Approach

Some athletes will tell you that they want blunt feedback. That is likely a white lie. In over 20 years of coaching, I have coached maybe 1% of players who truly thrive from blunt, individual feedback. I think what the other 99% of these players are trying to say is that "I desperately want to get better, and I don't have the answers, so please help me."

Most players admit that feedback can be difficult, and it can be. However, the more trust and connection that exists in your relationship with that player, often, the easier the feedback can be accepted. Trust must come before truth. If a player knows that feedback is coming from a place of care and wanting to help, they are better able to believe in the feedback and implement it.

For Athletes: Receiving and Seeking the Best Feedback

1. Ask the Right Questions

Instead of simply asking for "feedback", engage with it. Be specific with the issues you are struggling with the most. Make it an open conversation where you both ask questions and give thoughtful answers. Some of the best feedback sessions I have experienced with players, is when they brought specific video clips of play, and we were able to discuss it thoroughly and thoughtfully.

2. Don’t Take Feedback Personally

Feedback is about performance, not personal worth. Separate emotions from the message and focus on the lesson. If you are in the right environment, the person offering their thoughts is trying to help and hopefully it is being done in a kind and constructive manner. If you are not in that environment, consider finding a new one.

3. Be Open-Minded and Coachable

Great athletes seek feedback, because they know it can make them better. Seeking the feedback is the first step. Applying the feedback, is the next step. We all create habits that become our comfort zone, and some of these habits can be detrimental to our growth and performance. Players who are willing to leave their comfort zone are going to make the greatest strides long term.

4. Show Appreciation for Constructive Criticism

Again, make it a two-way conversation. Show that you are open to learning and growing. Try to not react defensively and remember that the other person is trying to help. Coaches and teammates are more likely to continue these conversations, if the player receiving the feedback is open and receptive to it. And if you want to get better, you should want more feedback.

Final Thoughts

Honest, constructive feedback is essential for growth and can even help to strengthen relationships. Coaches and teammates who deliver it with clarity and support create stronger and more resilient players. Athletes who embrace and seek feedback become better competitors. By fostering a feedback-friendly environment, teams can develop a culture of trust and accountability. If you truly knew that someone had your best interests in mind, feedback wouldn't have to be so intimidating, right?

~ Lindsey Martin